kingsPoet

Divorce 101

2009-07-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

*Below is just a few chapter teaser for the new book I am working on, on the topic of divorce.

The point of this book is not to vilify divorce but to show the sometimes-unintended consequences of divorce and the lasting and profound effect that they can have on each individual involved but most of all the kids.

I have never been married! So I cannot speak to being in a marriage, where divorce seems like the only viable answer, you have left. But I have lived my life as a child of divorce and can speak very clearly to the issues divorce can cause on the innocent children involved.

I was two years old when my parents split up. I knew nothing different, so I thought my life was normal. But as I got a few years older, I realized it wasn’t. In the area I grew up, I didn’t know many other people with divorced parents. If I did know other kids with divorced parents, they didn’t behave like mine. My parents seemed totally friendly with one another and both sets of in laws all still got along with everyone else. There was no fighting over visitation or child support or outward visible hatred of any kind.

My desire for this book is that it not be about the numbers, but the personal stories and effects that divorce has on our society. In addition, I want to examine marriage and any eventual breakup of that marriage from a biblical perspective.

What it took many years for me to truly realize and understand was that in many ways it was all fake. Whether they realized it or not consciously, they were putting on a show for my benefit. To make it easier on me, they had all made a decision as a group or individually, to be pretend that everything was still normal and that the divorce had not caused hard feelings for anyone. That each family side still loved the daughter or son in law that had just divorced their child. Though it seemed normal to me as a child, given that I had known nothing else, even a child could tell that something was wrong and people were not being totally authentic about their feelings. I truly believe that after a certain amount of time, they were no longer acting and that for the most part they had adopted those feelings towards their ex son or daughter in law. But again even a child can tell that there is something underneath the surface, simmering if not ready to boil over given the opportunity. Children have a wonderful ability to see honesty and truth in people. They can usually tell if a person is not being genuine with them.

Another less beneficial ability that children have is the ability to make anything about them. Without much effort at all, a child can conceive of a way in their mind that they were the root cause of all the marital issues their parents were having. They can carry that misplaced guilt and burden on themselves. That is a pretty heavy weight for a child to carry. “If I had done my chores better or done better in school, my parents wouldn’t be getting a divorce”. Sounds crazy to adults that a child would think that, but they do! Everything that happens in the world, can be internalized by a child and they will conceive of a way that it is their fault. We as adults have to be careful, not to allow our children, to carry around burdens, which are not theirs to carry. Easier said than done right? I totally understand that! We need to do all we can, to make our children realize, that our struggles as adults, are in no way their fault. Being a child today, in our current world, is hard enough.

Lets take a look at some statistical numbers about divorce! According to The Department of Justice, Child Support Initiative, Evaluation Report, August 1997, the divorce rate in Canada is about 48%. What that means is, one marriage out of every two marriages ends up in divorce. But remember that for many of us out there, divorces and marriages are repetitious. Here are some more divorce facts in Canada. Women are initiating almost 75% of Canadian divorces. One year after separation or divorce, 50% of children of divorced or separated families never see their fathers again. First marriages have about a 50% chance of ending in divorce, that risk becomes greater with each successive marriage, about 72% for second, and about 85% for third marriages.

Starting in 1921 statistics from Statcan, the government organization responsible for taking census information in Canada, shows 528 divorces or a rate of 6.4 per 100,000 in population. In 1941 the rate jumped to 2462 divorces or a rate of 21.4 per 100,000 in population. In 1968 when there was a reform to the Divorce Act in Canada, divorces rose to 6563 or a rate of 54.8 per 100,000 in population. In 1985 the Divorce Act was changed again to a “No Fault” divorce system and we saw 61980 or a rate of 253.6 per 100,000 in population. We topped out in 1987 with 96200 divorces or a rate of 362.3 per 100,000 in population. This particular study by Statcan only extended to 1995. But Based on statistics from Statcan from 2003, the percentage of marriages predicted to end in divorce is 38.3%. Canadian divorce rates rise during the first three years after the wedding. After that point, however, the likelihood of divorce decreases the longer the couple has been married.

How common is remarriage in Canada? Again according to Stacan, about 75 and 65%, respectively, of divorced men and women remarry. The probability of remarriage between the years of 35-50 for women is 48% compared to 61% for men. For younger women between 25 and 35, the probability is 66% and closer to 80% among men. Therefore, it is obvious that age discriminates against women: the older they are, the lower their chances of remarrying. But this is not the case for men. Such is the double standard. One has to consider that an unknown proportion of this 25 to 35% of men and women who do not remarry do cohabit. But this is more likely to happen for younger divorced persons than older ones, and more likely for men than women. Nevertheless, older cohabitants after a divorce are also becoming more numerous.

To many of us, these stats are just numbers. But these numbers or data should scare us or at least concern us. The numbers show that divorce is ever growing in our population in Canada. I am sure that the stats would be similar in the United States, Britain and Australia. The family dynamic and or the family structure that is the fabric by which society is held together is being destroyed one chip at a time.

All Materials written above are Copyrighted by King's Poet Publications 2009

Funeral for Brett Willis!

2009-07-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

Our dear friend and church Elder who passed away a few days ago of a stroke very suddenly is being remembered today! At 2pm at Caves Beach Fitness Center and Swansea Baptist Church we will all remember the life of Brett Willis and celebrate the life he led in service to God.

Please say a prayer for his whole family as they go through this trying time.

Kids Activity Week in Swansea Australia

2009-07-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

Where I am staying in Caves Beach Australia which is just outside Swansea Australia is partaking in kids activity week where kids that are off for winter vacation down here can come to the church and enjoy pirate themed events and games. Yes even I got in the pirate spirit and dressed up in costume!

2009-07-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

This is a good portion of presentation or a testimony speech as they call it in Australia where I am now, that I gave in front ofa bunch of people here at Swansea Baptist Church in Caves Beach Australia. This is also part of my new short book that I have written called "Through Broken Lenses I see..." and the book also has some great photography from this region of Australia. The book is available through me of course but hopefully will be in stores soon aswell. But that part is up to my publisher King's Poet Publishing and of course God. Yes I am A Christian but do not discount everything I write because of that, if you are not. I think you might find value in the things God puts on my heart and that I write about.

The life I have led has not been one where I found God and life was perfect. Belief in God doesn’t guarantee the perfect life but that we will have a caring, loving father that will guide us through the trial and tribulations that life offers on a daily basis. God is not a tyrant but a patient, loving parent that longs to lead us and show us the path to His vision of glory for us.

I have had trials and tribulations before and after meeting God. I have two loving earthly parents that have done the very best they knew how to take care of me and guide me! My parents divorced when I was two and I went back and forth between them and all was civil in my life! My parents and each family side all got along and to an outside eye life was perfect. Divorce wasn’t as commonplace as it is today, when I was young! I didn’t know anyone else who had divorced parents.

My family tried to make up for the fact that my parents were not together by giving me all the materialistic possessions I could ever want. This created a dependence on material things to validate myself and give value to my life. When I was five years old both my parents remarried. My stepparents in many ways defined my life. Both my stepparents physically abused me by taking discipline way too far. All four of my “parents” thought that I was a out of control, spoiled brat and both my stepparents took discipline way to far by getting into physical altercations with me and being mentally abusive by telling me things like “How could anyone love you?” or “Your not worth anything” or “your dad doesn’t love you and one day he is going to realize how worthless you are and want nothing to do with you”, or statements such as “Your never going to amount to anything, your going to be a failure”. These kinds of statements when spoken to kids in anger, really affect the type of person you become and have a lasting affect on a persons psyche. In some ways I am still haunted by these statements, especially when I am feeling weak or down on myself. The abuse continued at the hands of my stepmother and at the age of eleven I moved from my dads place to live with my mom. Well the abuse at the hands of my stepfather then got much worse. Both my mom and dad at the time just thought it was normal discipline for an out of control kid. One incident of abuse I remember at the hands of my stepmother was getting into an argument with her when I was eight at the top of the stairs in our house. She thought I was being cheeky but then she pushed me and I literally fell head over heels down the stairs. Lying dazed and confused at the bottom of the stairs, trying to put together in my mind what just happened, she stood above me kicking me in the stomach and ribs. As she continues to kick me, she screaming, “you ruined my life”. That wasn’t the end of the abuse. She would lock me in my room with a latch bolt she installed on the outside of my bedroom door.

Lonely Soul

2009-07-15T20:44:00.001-07:00

My soul feels so lonely, my heart so empty.
I seek you everyday.
I claim to be a follower, but go my own way.
I know what I do is wrong, but I sin anyway.
God please come down and give me strenthe,
grace me with your presence,show me the error of my ways.
My soul is lonely Lord, because of my
distance from you. My heart feels empty because i do not truly
know you.I seek you everyday, for the
reasons of the earth, to fix my problems,
to take away my guilt. But never do I seek
you when your glory is truly shown, when
rainbows shine and rivers clearly flow.
But have no doubt when the storm arrises,
the clouds fill the sky and the rain is upon
us, I will seek you again to hide.
Without you, I am no more, than a weak lonely soul.

Lonely Heart

2009-07-15T20:43:00.001-07:00

Lord your message was recieved loud and clear
by me.

When we misbehave there is a price to be
paid and He will teach us in his own way.

I dissapoint you Lord everyday yet you still
allow me to come to you and say:

Lord im sorry for the things I do, the
things I focuss on that are not you.

The way I hide thinking you wont see, all
the shame and sin inside of me.

No matter how manny times I have knocked
before you always open that door.

It is always open to see how great your
love is for me.

Lord you show your infinite mercy when I
deserve it the least.

When times get rough and the storm arises, I
run and Hide, I beg and plead that you wont use me.

See Im weak and your strong, without you I
am nothing at all.

Soveriegn God

2009-07-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

Soveriegn God come show me your face.
Fill me with your strenthe and power.
As I close my eyes and begin to pray,
Lord there is something I need to say...
As the sun sets and the moon rises,
look back at the things I have done and
who, I have become.
Hearts have been broken, words have been spoken.
Sorry Lord for the things I have done,
I come before you now.
No matter how many times I have come before
you, you never close the door.
Its always open for me to see how
truly great your love is for me.
Soveriegn God praise your name,
for you died on the cross for my sin,
to save my weary soul,to give my life some meaning.
Bowing down at the foot of the cross,
I fall to my knees, I give you all of me.

Shadow Images

2009-07-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

Remembering the past as if it were today, images hunt you down like you're its prey.

Shadows appear you would rather not see, remnants of the person you used to be.

Lightness, darkness, fear trapped inside, the kind of fear you will do anything to hide.

Alone at night, I feel the fear swell inside, cause I am afraid of the things I have done,

but mainly I am scared of the man who I have become.

Bad decisions, mistakes were made, at somepoint in the future the debt must be paid.

So far my life's been a roller coaster ride, but only God truly knows, how hard I have tried.

I look I see what I truly want to be, a person of truth and honesty.

What does the future hold for me?

2009-07-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

I have been in Caves Beach, Swansea, New South wales Australia since the 11th of June. Today we lost one of the people I had become close to down here. Brett an 79 year old man in the church that I have come to call home down here passed away of a stroke. He was a great man and will be missed! My thoughts and prayers go out to his wife and family!

He now has the greatest view of all, looking down from Heaven above with his creator God!