*Below is just a few chapter teaser for the new book I am working on, on the topic of divorce.
The point of this book is not to vilify divorce but to show the sometimes-unintended consequences of divorce and the lasting and profound effect that they can have on each individual involved but most of all the kids.
I have never been married! So I cannot speak to being in a marriage, where divorce seems like the only viable answer, you have left. But I have lived my life as a child of divorce and can speak very clearly to the issues divorce can cause on the innocent children involved.
I was two years old when my parents split up. I knew nothing different, so I thought my life was normal. But as I got a few years older, I realized it wasn’t. In the area I grew up, I didn’t know many other people with divorced parents. If I did know other kids with divorced parents, they didn’t behave like mine. My parents seemed totally friendly with one another and both sets of in laws all still got along with everyone else. There was no fighting over visitation or child support or outward visible hatred of any kind.
My desire for this book is that it not be about the numbers, but the personal stories and effects that divorce has on our society. In addition, I want to examine marriage and any eventual breakup of that marriage from a biblical perspective.
What it took many years for me to truly realize and understand was that in many ways it was all fake. Whether they realized it or not consciously, they were putting on a show for my benefit. To make it easier on me, they had all made a decision as a group or individually, to be pretend that everything was still normal and that the divorce had not caused hard feelings for anyone. That each family side still loved the daughter or son in law that had just divorced their child. Though it seemed normal to me as a child, given that I had known nothing else, even a child could tell that something was wrong and people were not being totally authentic about their feelings. I truly believe that after a certain amount of time, they were no longer acting and that for the most part they had adopted those feelings towards their ex son or daughter in law. But again even a child can tell that there is something underneath the surface, simmering if not ready to boil over given the opportunity. Children have a wonderful ability to see honesty and truth in people. They can usually tell if a person is not being genuine with them.
Another less beneficial ability that children have is the ability to make anything about them. Without much effort at all, a child can conceive of a way in their mind that they were the root cause of all the marital issues their parents were having. They can carry that misplaced guilt and burden on themselves. That is a pretty heavy weight for a child to carry. “If I had done my chores better or done better in school, my parents wouldn’t be getting a divorce”. Sounds crazy to adults that a child would think that, but they do! Everything that happens in the world, can be internalized by a child and they will conceive of a way that it is their fault. We as adults have to be careful, not to allow our children, to carry around burdens, which are not theirs to carry. Easier said than done right? I totally understand that! We need to do all we can, to make our children realize, that our struggles as adults, are in no way their fault. Being a child today, in our current world, is hard enough.
Lets take a look at some statistical numbers about divorce! According to The Department of Justice, Child Support Initiative, Evaluation Report, August 1997, the divorce rate in Canada is about 48%. What that means is, one marriage out of every two marriages ends up in divorce. But remember that for many of us out there, divorces and marriages are repetitious. Here are some more divorce facts in Canada. Women are initiating almost 75% of Canadian divorces. One year after separation or divorce, 50% of children of divorced or separated families never see their fathers again. First marriages have about a 50% chance of ending in divorce, that risk becomes greater with each successive marriage, about 72% for second, and about 85% for third marriages.
Starting in 1921 statistics from Statcan, the government organization responsible for taking census information in Canada, shows 528 divorces or a rate of 6.4 per 100,000 in population. In 1941 the rate jumped to 2462 divorces or a rate of 21.4 per 100,000 in population. In 1968 when there was a reform to the Divorce Act in Canada, divorces rose to 6563 or a rate of 54.8 per 100,000 in population. In 1985 the Divorce Act was changed again to a “No Fault” divorce system and we saw 61980 or a rate of 253.6 per 100,000 in population. We topped out in 1987 with 96200 divorces or a rate of 362.3 per 100,000 in population. This particular study by Statcan only extended to 1995. But Based on statistics from Statcan from 2003, the percentage of marriages predicted to end in divorce is 38.3%. Canadian divorce rates rise during the first three years after the wedding. After that point, however, the likelihood of divorce decreases the longer the couple has been married.
How common is remarriage in Canada? Again according to Stacan, about 75 and 65%, respectively, of divorced men and women remarry. The probability of remarriage between the years of 35-50 for women is 48% compared to 61% for men. For younger women between 25 and 35, the probability is 66% and closer to 80% among men. Therefore, it is obvious that age discriminates against women: the older they are, the lower their chances of remarrying. But this is not the case for men. Such is the double standard. One has to consider that an unknown proportion of this 25 to 35% of men and women who do not remarry do cohabit. But this is more likely to happen for younger divorced persons than older ones, and more likely for men than women. Nevertheless, older cohabitants after a divorce are also becoming more numerous.
To many of us, these stats are just numbers. But these numbers or data should scare us or at least concern us. The numbers show that divorce is ever growing in our population in Canada. I am sure that the stats would be similar in the United States, Britain and Australia. The family dynamic and or the family structure that is the fabric by which society is held together is being destroyed one chip at a time.
All Materials written above are Copyrighted by King's Poet Publications 2009
